Picture this: It's 25th May, I'm loading up my Mum's car and I'm leaving university for the year. The term might not be over, but I'm over it. Not York, but the lack of breathing space in my accommodation and my lack/absence of pets (sorry not sorry). Most importantly, I'm ready to move back home for a couple of months, spend time with family and friends and do some growing up. I can let go off all my university-related anxieties and enjoy my summer with all the people I love.
All I can say now is, what was I thinking?
Over the past month, I have been missing York endlessly. Not just the city, but university work (believe it or not), spending time with my new friends and my partner and living a new, independent adult life.
Summer might have been brewing, but little did I realise, my anxieties were too.
It has not all been bad, however. I'm assuming this is because I needed time to relax after a challenging academic period of revision, field trips and exams. Also, I realised that I'm used to coming home over the holidays at the end of the term, so really, it only felt natural and exciting to be back for the summer.
During the first month of being home, I spent a lot of the time socialising with friends, celebrating their birthdays, going to the gym, visiting restaurants and lounging around the house. You name it. The activities were great, but it was their company that made those moments so warm and special.
I found myself artistically inspired and excited to write and plan blog posts, but as the socialising came to a halt and my days inside increased, I began to feel helpless. Boredom would overcome me and all I could do was overthink, heightening many of my anxieties and worries, many of which are, in reality, insignificant. I began to question everything. My future, my self-worth, my relationships, my intellect, talents, appearance, you name it. Everything I had spent so long working on to make myself stronger seemed to be for nothing. I was back at square one.
In June, I vividly remember being on the phone to my partner saying: "I know I've always struggled with anxiety and approaching matters incorrectly, but I've come to realise that it's down to balance - an equal balance of working, socialising and relaxing (aka 'me time')."
He completely understood because he knows how terrible my anxiety can get when, for instance, I have not dedicated enough time towards one of the three priorities. I completely lose my spark.
Over the past month, I have been frantically searching for a light to reignite my spark and I have come to realise that key to re-ignition is York.
It's a place of tranquillity, happiness and stimulation. A place of safety and comfort.
My friends are right around the corner and I know I can rely on them. They are part of my academic and social life. And I adore them. Plus, In York, my partner and I aren't separated by 171 miles like we are now. He is always there when I need a shoulder to cry on and when I need to laugh and let my weirdness flow. At morning and at night, he's there.
York is, in all honesty, my new home.
Okay, you get the picture.
Looking back, I would have liked to have not wished away time. Really, I should have lived in the present instead of trying to envision a perfect summer at home in The Midlands. As a result, the last month has been the definition of an anti-climax and there was nothing I could do about it. Don't get me wrong, there have been many amazing moments with many wonderful people by my side, but I truly believe that the bulk of my summer would have been even more incredible if it were spent in York.
Still, I'm trying my very best to optimistically live in the present rather than wishing away time, but, I am incredibly excited to officially move back to York in September! This time around, I will have a) more living space, b) my partner as my one and only housemate, c) lots of friends living nearby and d) a greater appreciation and love for York.
Oh how the tables turn!
